4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times

Featured Image
jmcnamee
By:

The world needs heroes. Whether they're saving us from fires or figuring out the Riddler's latest clues, they give us role models to look up to. Unfortunately, some of our heroes set a pretty poor example, because if we followed their lead, we'd all be dead. Let's start with...

#4. Indiana Jones

If you’re unfamiliar with Indiana Jones, first have your parents arrested for child deprivation, then watch this.

That pretty much sums him up: globe-trotting archeologist, finding treasure and taking no guff. He’s the perfect role model for any kid who wants to spend their life riding in mine carts and plundering nations’ historic treasures. What could be wrong with him?

Why He Should Be Dead:

Indiana Jones is a terrible judge of character.

Seriously, he gets betrayed about twenty times a movie. Let’s look at the most egregious example. In The Last Crusade (spoiler alert: if you haven’t seen this yet, you’ve wasted your life) Indy is trying to beat the Nazi’s to the Holy Grail, and is warned not to trust anyone. So when he meets a woman with a Germanic accent who looks like this…

4 heroes that should have died a thousand times elsa 4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times

…instead of saying “look, it’s the world’s most Nazi woman,” Indy decides to try and pick her up.

Here’s a quick list I’ve compiled of people who’ve betrayed Indiana Jones:

  • Alfred Molina – Steals whip. Will only return in exchange for idol.
  • Alfred Molina – Receives idol. Does not return whip.
  • Lao Che – Poisons Indy’s champagne.
  • Maharaja Zalim Singh – Is in thrall of Indian cult that for some reason practices Voodoo.
  • Prime Minisister Chattar Lal – Served Indiana Jones monkey brains as joke.
  • Walter Donovan – Is a secret Nazi.
  • Elsa – Is a secret Nazi.
  • Mac – Is a secret Commie.
  • Mac – Is still a secret Commie despite promise that he’s totally not anymore.
  • George Lucas/Steven Speilberg – Cast Shia LaBeouf as his son.
4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times Shia Labeouf 4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times

The Ultimate Betrayal

And that’s only from the movies. I haven’t even gone into all the betrayals Indy surely faces in comic books, novels, video games, and the TV adventures of Young Indiana Jones.

4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times Young Indy and Teddy Roosevelt 4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times

Pictured above: Teddy Roosevelt preparing to betray Indy.

#3. James Bond

The pinnacle of cool, James Bond is the ultimate male fantasy. He saves beautiful women, drives amazing cars, and has a license to kill. He’s so cool he actually makes Sean Connery cooler.

And almost makes up for this outfit.

Why He Should Be Dead:

He always works loaded.

“Shaken not stirred” sound familiar? That’s because he orders it all the freaking time. I’m no expert on alcoholism, but if your drink order becomes a catch phrase, I think you have a problem. Take a look at this supercut of him gettin’ his drank on:

You may notice none of those scenes are Bond kicking bad at the end of the day. He is on the job in all of them. He’s a spy! That’s not a job like comedy writer that you can do drunk.

4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times Hemingway 4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times

Hemingway hard at work on a fart joke.

Take Casino Royale for instance. Before sitting down to the poker table, he get’s himself a little something to take the edge off. Now according to www.the-poker.net (astonishingly, not a porn site), “alcohol [is] the worst ally for any poker player.” I read through the whole page, and did not see anything that said “except when losing will cause $100 million to be funneled to terrorists.”

Poker is the least of his worries too. Drunk driving is dangerous enough, but when your car can accidentally shoot out missiles if you hit the wrong button, that takes it to the next level.

4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times explosion 4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times

That’s not the windshield wiper.

#2. Harry Potter

Harry Potter is the most recent entry on this list and my personal favorite. He defeats every magical enemy with courage, friendship, and a film production budget greater than the GDP of most developing countries.

Why He Should Be Dead:

He’s just some punk kid.

I know you Potter fans are going to get all up on me about how the magic of love protected Harry and blah blah blah, but come on. How hard could killing a 10 year old be? Did you try taking away his iPhone, because my little brother acts like that would kill him.

The only thing that seems to keep Harry alive is that Voldemort graduated from the correspondence school of super villainy with a major in being convoluted. On multiple occasions, Voldemort has Harry in his grasp but he waits for just the right moment to make his move (i.e. After it’s too late.)

Let’s compare Voldemort’s plan for killing Harry in Goblet of Fire with mine…

Voldemort’s Plan:
Lure Harry to graveyard with year-long magical competition. Upon Harry’s defenseless arrival, return his wand, and taunt him with your superiority for a while (years?) Take a quick nap. Double check taxes. Kill Harry (after a few more taunts.)

My Plan:
Punch his face. Repeat as necessary.

Hell, forget about the villains. His school alone should have accidentally killed him. There are staircases that move around for no reason, trees that smash students for no reason, and a gamekeeper whose stench I can only guess is lethal.

4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times Hagrid 4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times

Why isn’t there a spell for “Take a dang shower?”

#1. Captain Kirk

Space, the final frontier, and the manliest man on that frontier is Captain James Tiberius Kirk. He travels the galaxy fighting evil, discovering new worlds, and proving that you can still be cool even if you’re middle name is Tiberius.

Why He Should Be Dead:

Kirk is a terrible astronaut.

Kirk is known for his roguish and unorthodox way of doing things. You want to know when a renegade, devil-may-care, play-by-your-own-rules attitude doesn’t work? WHEN YOU’RE IN FREAKING SPACE!

Imagine Kirk was captain of Apollo 11:


HOUSTON
Alright. Let’s go over the final checklist for landing.

KIRK
Damn your infernal logic Houston!
There’s… no time! I’m taking her down.

HOUSTON
Uh… what?

KIRK
KAHHHHHN!!

[Crash sounds]

Astronauts follow strict procedures in space, because everything in space wants to kill us. Let’s look at an example from the Star Trek episode “The Naked Time” (coincidentally, that’s the current time of me writing this article.) The Enterprise finds a research station deserted. To avoid contamination, NASA recommends the use of “clean rooms and microbial barriers.” Kirk’s gut however recommends, “Beaming the hell down there.” The result is the whole ship gets infected with inhibition reducing spores.

4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times Sulu 4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times

Though I think Sulu just used it as an excuse to show off his abs.

Other things Kirk did that no astronaut would do include diving through time portals, allowing unknown creatures to breed on ship, yelling at God in his face (multiple occasions), and mating with aliens.

4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times alien mating 4 Heroes Who Should Have Died a Thousand Times

Most likely outcome of such mating.

For more over-analysis of silly things, check out 4 Geekdoms Way Older Than Yours

Or take a look at more articles by John McNamee

Recent Articles